Why Too Human is Getting Bashed.

Too Human Is A Critical Smash!

"C-" This game is schizophrenic - 1UP.com
"5.5" Hi my name is not Jeff Gerstmann - gamespot.com
"5.0" This game is barely worthy of a weekend rental - gamespy.com

Ok we get it. Everybody hates Too Human. But why? The mystery will soon be revealed.

I decided to do some investigations....human investigations. What I discovered may shock young children.

THE YEAR IS 2007
One of the best years in gaming history...and one of the sneakiest. We all remember a game called Kane & Lynch: Dead Men right? Well I do. The game put fear into the hearts of every gaming critic on the interwebs. Some had balls. (Destructoid) Some did not. (Gamespot) What happened afterwards...may shock young children.

THE YEAR IS 2008
January. Too Human is in tight development when all of a sudden, they get a visitor. This is a security camera pic of that visitor.

It is none other that Jeff Gerstmann himself. A hidden microphone planted up Dennis Dyack's ass revealed this conversation.

Jeff - Dennis! Remember Kane and Lynch!?
Dennis - Yeah.
Jeff - It was a government operation. The developers planted devices in the website CEO's wrists, which forced them to tell their staff to review it well, or else.
Dennis - Ok.
Jeff - They're doing the same thing for Too Human! Except this time it's review it bad or else.
Dennis - *gasp* Why Jeff, whatever do you mean?
Jeff - I mean...

Jeff was cut off by the sound of a black man carrying him away.

August...Too Human is released. I have discovered that all negative reviews of the game were pre-written. This can only mean one thing. It means that the writers wrote the review before the game came out.

If you have more information, please send it to www.assmicrophones.com

Gears of War 2 Plot Revealed!

Hi I'm here at GDC 2008 where a select few journalists were allowed a viewing of the Gears of War 2 storyline video. It was basically a run through of the plot and then a walk through of level one. I tried to take some photos with my cell phone but it was difficult. Here is a run down of the Q&A I had with Cliffy B.



Q: So, Cliffy. Gears of War 2. It's coming.
A: That's what she said.

Q: What?
A: She said..it's..coming. (Laughs)

Q: Oh..right. Well then what kind of new graphical features can we see.
A: Not much. Water, destruction. Same engine, same character models. The one multiplayer map is just Gridlock but flipped in reverse.

Q: Wouldn't it be the same thing since the maps are symmetrical?
A: Oh shit..your right.

My interview was sadly cut short by those ignorant IGN assholes who wanted some Cliffy. Anyway the plot is as follows (straight from Cliffy's mouth):

"Gears of War 2 will have a completely new storyline. You will start off as Carmine five minutes before your untimely death. After dying, you go to heaven where you find Jesus is being attacked by the Locust horde. As Carmine, you must save Jesus from the Locust in heaven. Along the way you will co-op with Moses and many more. We plan on having 4 player co-op with Moses, Mary, and even Jesus himself. Here is level one."

Cliffy then loaded up the 1st level of the game. It began with Carmine trying to load a gun. You must do a mini game and help Carmine load the gun. The puzzle took over 30 minutes and reflected on Carmines stupidity. Then he got shot and went to heaven. Then he shot Locust who were shooting Jesus. That's the rundown. Anyway I hope you like the photos I took. It was tough work snapping those things.



Jesus image courtesy of passtheammo.com