Why Too Human is Getting Bashed.

Too Human Is A Critical Smash!

"C-" This game is schizophrenic - 1UP.com
"5.5" Hi my name is not Jeff Gerstmann - gamespot.com
"5.0" This game is barely worthy of a weekend rental - gamespy.com

Ok we get it. Everybody hates Too Human. But why? The mystery will soon be revealed.

I decided to do some investigations....human investigations. What I discovered may shock young children.

THE YEAR IS 2007
One of the best years in gaming history...and one of the sneakiest. We all remember a game called Kane & Lynch: Dead Men right? Well I do. The game put fear into the hearts of every gaming critic on the interwebs. Some had balls. (Destructoid) Some did not. (Gamespot) What happened afterwards...may shock young children.

THE YEAR IS 2008
January. Too Human is in tight development when all of a sudden, they get a visitor. This is a security camera pic of that visitor.

It is none other that Jeff Gerstmann himself. A hidden microphone planted up Dennis Dyack's ass revealed this conversation.

Jeff - Dennis! Remember Kane and Lynch!?
Dennis - Yeah.
Jeff - It was a government operation. The developers planted devices in the website CEO's wrists, which forced them to tell their staff to review it well, or else.
Dennis - Ok.
Jeff - They're doing the same thing for Too Human! Except this time it's review it bad or else.
Dennis - *gasp* Why Jeff, whatever do you mean?
Jeff - I mean...

Jeff was cut off by the sound of a black man carrying him away.

August...Too Human is released. I have discovered that all negative reviews of the game were pre-written. This can only mean one thing. It means that the writers wrote the review before the game came out.

If you have more information, please send it to www.assmicrophones.com

Gears of War 2 Plot Revealed!

Hi I'm here at GDC 2008 where a select few journalists were allowed a viewing of the Gears of War 2 storyline video. It was basically a run through of the plot and then a walk through of level one. I tried to take some photos with my cell phone but it was difficult. Here is a run down of the Q&A I had with Cliffy B.



Q: So, Cliffy. Gears of War 2. It's coming.
A: That's what she said.

Q: What?
A: She said..it's..coming. (Laughs)

Q: Oh..right. Well then what kind of new graphical features can we see.
A: Not much. Water, destruction. Same engine, same character models. The one multiplayer map is just Gridlock but flipped in reverse.

Q: Wouldn't it be the same thing since the maps are symmetrical?
A: Oh shit..your right.

My interview was sadly cut short by those ignorant IGN assholes who wanted some Cliffy. Anyway the plot is as follows (straight from Cliffy's mouth):

"Gears of War 2 will have a completely new storyline. You will start off as Carmine five minutes before your untimely death. After dying, you go to heaven where you find Jesus is being attacked by the Locust horde. As Carmine, you must save Jesus from the Locust in heaven. Along the way you will co-op with Moses and many more. We plan on having 4 player co-op with Moses, Mary, and even Jesus himself. Here is level one."

Cliffy then loaded up the 1st level of the game. It began with Carmine trying to load a gun. You must do a mini game and help Carmine load the gun. The puzzle took over 30 minutes and reflected on Carmines stupidity. Then he got shot and went to heaven. Then he shot Locust who were shooting Jesus. That's the rundown. Anyway I hope you like the photos I took. It was tough work snapping those things.



Jesus image courtesy of passtheammo.com

Top 10 Best Fire Effects in a Game

Here's a little list I compiled. Thanks to Gametrailers for the host.
Congrats to Bioshock for winning my little Game of the Year poll.

Xbox Games that Deserve a Sequel on the 360

The original Xbox had a bunch of great games that need a new addition. For some games, it won't be done due to lackluster sales, but for other games, it is entirely possible and there is a market out there. Here is a list of Xbox games that really need a sequel on the 360, whether it can happen or not.

#1. Beyond Good and Evil
Yeah it was a multi-console release, but it still deserves a sequel on next-gen platforms. This game was very highly praised by critics all around and won a multitude of awards, but for some reason not many people bought it. I only played this game once. It was in a Gamestop and I ended up staying in there for about 7 hours just playing this game. When a little kid asked me to play I would grab his face and throw him into the Gamecube games. That's how good this game is. It was beautiful, fun, exciting, and the plot just sucked you in. This game needs a sequel!

#2. Psychonauts
I don't know what went wrong with this game. It had everything a great game needs. Graphics, plot, fun gameplay, and some of the best humor around. Even the box art was kick ass! For some reason, little douche bags didn't want this game and it only ended up selling a little bit above 200k copies. The game was even designed by video game genius Tim Schafer. The guy who brought you those classic Lucas Arts titles on the PC like Day of the Tentacle. Maybe the marketing was weird or something, I have no idea why this game flopped. Oh well, you can download it from the Xbox Originals section in the 360 marketplace. Or Majesco can start a charity for cancer and steal all the money to make Psychonauts 2.

#3. Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic
Yeah I know a sequel was made. But not for the 360. There are rumors that it is in development but until those rumors come free, I am still gonna assume no one is doing anything about a 3rd installment. There is no reason not to make the next game. The first two both sold over a million copies. The games were ridiculously fun, allowing you to choose the light or dark side, which reflected on your actions and the people around you. Who doesn't love using force mind control to get asshole to open a gate. or a poor woman to give you all the money she has left. This game needs to be made using the Mass Effect engine. That would totally own.

#4. Jade Empire
Wtf!? Plans for a sequel to this game should have been made immediately after release. Sure the game only sold a respectable amount of copies, but that's all BioWares fault. If they didn't take 2 years to release it on PC, they might have made a bit more profit. Oh well, if a sequel to this game was made, I would sell my kidney to a BioWare employee. If he doesn't want it, I'll throw it at him and run away. This is one of my favorite games of all time. Once again you can choose to be bad or good. There was this dude who was afraid of this chick, so I told the chick to kill him. It was amazing!

#5. Jet Set Radio
This was one of the most quirky and fun titles on the 360. Yeah the game sold close to nothing and they had to package it with Ford Racing to maybe boost it's sales, but that failed too. It doesn't matter though, because the game probably cost close to nothing to make. The soundtrack was completely underground and incredible I might add. The graphics were bright and fun. A sequel to this game would be so amazing because the game itself is unlike anything you'll ever play. It was a weird acid trip adventure only the Japanese could bring you.

#6. Max Payne
Ah shit! Here comes Max Payne! This would be the best next-gen title ever! How amazing would it be to have this game with 16 man multi player? Not to mention another gritty single player full of bullet time, blood, and sex! Well, 3d sex is a little lame and the second Max Payne didn't help much, but more sex would please the little ones. Go ahead parents! Buy your kids more games like this. Our new generation of kids are going to be mature and ready by the time they are 12. Wtf am I ranting about? Go make Max Payne 3 and not Manhunt 2 you jackasses!

#7. Crimson Skies
Oh dear lord. Please bring me another addition to what I think is the best flight combat game ever! The game had it all. Cool flight stunts, amazing graphics, great characters, and an unbelievable multi player which I really did not expect to suck me in at all. This game was a sequel to really lesser known PC game and if they made a sequel to that piece of poo then why not make a sequel to this piece of gold! I have no idea how well this game sold but I owned it so other people must have owned it also. Anyway, this game is available in the Xbox Originals section in the 360 marketplace. Go buy it. Or I'll swallow your soul!

#8. The Chronicles of Riddick: Escape from Butcher Bay
Yeah they have one on the 360 but it's a port. Not a sequel. I don't know how exactly you can make a sequel that died with Vin Diesel's career, but get it done! This game blew everyones minds. It came out of nowhere on the front cover of a Game Informer magazine. The subtitle was "The Best Xbox game you never heard of". That was very true. This was one of the most gorgeous titles of it's time with incredible gameplay and a realistic Vin Diesel. Fuck the movie, I played this game.

Well that ends my list. If any of these games are ever confirmed for a sequel, I will take em off my list! You hear me! If you have any comments for games I should have added. Then feel free to tell me.

Best Xbox 360 Games Under $20

So, your cheap ass just bought an Xbox 360 Arcade Edition and you want some great games from the bargain bin? Well I'm here to help you. (I'm just kidding about the cheap thing. But seriously you are.) Anyway, here are the best Xbox 360 games you can get for under 20 bones.



#1. Project Gotham Racing 3
So what if the 4th one recently came out. This one still kicks major ass. Plus the 4th one just has cool rain effects. Anyway, this game will definitely be worth the dough. There is hours and hours of racing excitement packed into this game, plus some of the best online play on the 360. The graphics are gorgeous and never dip below 60 fps (I think). There are many cars to choose from, all of which are crazy exotic ones. No puny Honda Civics. Take that Gran Turismo! No one wants to start a game with a PT Cruiser. If you like racing games, pick this one up. It's totally worth it.

#2. Perfect Dark Zero
I remember on launch day for the 360, my friend managed to pick one up which got me uber excited. I giggled as I danced my way over to his house so I could play it. He had one game. Perfect Dark Zero. I did not know what to expect. He loaded up some level that was on these rooftops. Immediately my jaw dropped. It was the most gorgeous thing I had ever seen. The sun shined bright and reflected off of the gun and the motion blur was so awesome. Then he shot bald people. It was amazing. Now I look back at this game and say "meh". But for 20 bucks, this game will stay in your 360 for a good amount of time. The online play is fun and fast paced and the single player game will take you a while if you play on a higher difficulty setting. Give it a whirl.

#3. Viva Pinata
Oh man...I love this game. Go ahead. Call me gay. I don't care. This game is wonderful! Hands down the best game on the list. Anyone can play and you most likely will love it. Basically you are given an empty field where you raise all sorts of little Pinata animals. After a while you will get new shovels to plow your ground and new buckets of water so you can grow shit. I know I'm not explaining it too well but I'm too giddy in excitement for just how incredible this game is. I didn't even know it was 20 bucks until I started this list. Now that I found it is, I am really begging you guys to buy it. It's sad but..I don't own this game anymore. See what happened to me? See what happens when you lose something you love?

#4. Kameo: Elements of Power
Ya know...a lot of people bummed this game down. Yeah sure it's not a perfect 10/10 game but for 20 dollars you will get tons of fun play time. You are Kameo, a hot fairy who flies around and transforms into different creatures that each have unique abilities. The game was ported through many consoles before finally resting on the 360, only to get attacked. I don't know why. The game is gorgeous with bright colors. The game play is unique and interesting. The plot is bad and stinky. I mean what's not to love? C'mon people...I bought it. For 20 dollars though...it's not worth 50.

#5. Quake 4
Blood, violence, explosions, a disgusting operation scene, this is what makes a great game. I have this game on the PC, not the 360 but I have played them both and they are equally awesome. The online play is just like old school Quake which never gets old in my opinion. The Quake series revolutionized first person shooters and while this one doesn't do much new...it does transform a lot of the kick ass old...into kick ass new. Which means it is new...and not old. Just buy it.

#6. Rockstar Games Presents Table Tennis
Not since Pong has ping pong been so fun, or beautiful. Supposedly this game was made as a test for Rockstars RAGE engine which will power the upcoming GTA IV. And boy am I excited. The character models are some of the best out there. You can see the pores on the god damn characters. THE PORES! Now that's good graphics. Oh and the gameplay is fun too.

#7. Prey
Ahh yes! Kick ass! I love this game. There are so many times in this game where my jaw was all like CA-FLUNK! That's the sound of my jaw hitting the floor. The game is all triggers though, so your jaw won't do that a second time around. Anyway, this game is about an alien invasion which captures all the people of Earth and does some crazy shit to em. You play a Native American bad ass who must kill the aliens using the forces of gravity! That's right, gravity panels line the walls and you can climb em and get sick. Well I got sick. Anyway, this game makes Indians look awesome. Name one other game that ever did that. You can't. Cuz Indians suck.

#8. Saints Row
Yeah it's a GTA clone. It's obvious. But you know what? No one cares because this is the best GTA clone available. I put so many hours into the city of Stillwater and I'm still not 100% complete in the game. Not to mention the ridiculously amazing online play which features tons of game types including clan support! Ahh yea! I love this game. And I love shooting old people. IN THE FACE!

Well, that's the end of my list. I know there are more cheap games out there, and probably some good ones that I forgot. There are some great games just a little above 20 bucks that I will add once they drop. Thanks for reading. Or skimming. Or whatever you did.